Depthless

Red brick
Thick paint
Colossal buildings
Scuffed floors
Gummy tables
Loud people
Women with makeup
And men in ties
Hurting and broken
With smiles
Damaged and torn
New construction
New brick
New paint
Soon to decay
But don't forget to smile

This poem was written in early April.  I have been writing more poetry lately, most of which is a way to process my thoughts.  Most are mediocre but this one felt like it was worth sharing today. 

Let Me Be Honest

My sophomore year of college was rough.  I had some things thrown at me that I wish hadn't happened at all.  I made a lot of mistakes.  And I acted in an immature way and didn't handle my emotions well through processing a lot of it.  I wish I could say that I grieve death well or that I didn't blame myself for the actions of others, but the truth is that I did.  I do.  And so I didn't blog very much during that time.  I didn't want to write out of raw emotions or simply as a reaction to the things go on around me.

It felt weird to let myself stop writing my weekly blogs at first.  I don't want to pretend that everything in my life is great and perfect, and part of me felt that not publishing what was happening was a lie.  But I wanted to write about the bad things when I was able to step back and look at the whole picture.

Today I'm writing this with raw fingers after failing to get all of the paint off of a picnic table with chemical paint stripper.  And there are still raw emotions here, because I am a human being, and being emotional does not need to be a bad thing.

Last summer I broke up with my boyfriend after returning from my trip to Mexico.  Throughout the year and a half long relationship I had had with him, I had experienced a lack of sureness.  While in Mexico, I experienced vivid clarity and I knew that I needed to end the relationship.  However, the aftermath of the breakup is not what I had hoped it would be.  There were many emotional messages sent to each other.  I blamed myself for the way he was feeling and spent a lot of time beating myself up about it.  I told myself that I was worthless and that I should never be in a romantic relationship again.  To some degree I isolated myself from the other friendships that I had.  It wasn't a healthy way of dealing with any of this.  I spent an abundance of time wallowing in self-pity about the failed relationship and struggled to focus in class or while doing homework as I reflected on what I could have done differently so that I hadn't hurt him and told myself that I was stupid.  A lot of what I did was foolish.  But if I ceaselessly dwell on them, I can't learn from them.  Part of the learning process is letting go.  

During the fall semester I also realized that I was not enjoying what I was studying.  I was a Biology major with minors in Spanish and Math.  I was enjoying the classes in my minors, but not in my major.  I was not processing emotions well, grieving the death of my aunt, blaming myself for the feelings of others, trying to volunteer, and work a part time job.  My grades dropped.  I had always earned very good grades.  My grades were always something that I could take pride in.  And so, I also realized that I had been defining myself through them.  While I could say, 'I work hard in school because I'm working for God, and not for men,' that would not have been the truth.  The truth is that I had previously worked hard in school because I wanted good grades to fulfill me.  I wanted to see a neat line of A's on my transcript at the end of each semester, not for God's glory, but for my own satisfaction.  And in the fall semester, I didn't earn the grades that I so desperately wanted.  I found myself unsatisfied by something that had had never let me down before.  Despite the fact that I have always known that true fulfillment will only come from God, I had not been living that out in my life.  This was extremely evident to me.

My spring semester was much smoother.  I changed my major.  I'm now studying Math Education with a Spanish minor.  I didn't maintain friendships with anyone from the Biology department.  That was difficult, but with the end of those relationships, I am given time to forge new more meaningful relationships that are founded on more than just taking the same classes and thus have the potential to last beyond college.

After the failure to achieve high levels academically during the fall semester, I struggled to regain my focus.  I wanted to find my motivation to study by seeing it as an act of worship.  I wanted to really study for God's glory and see it as something to be done for Him.  This was difficult for me, but I knew that I could not allow grades to be seen as a form of fulfillment any longer.  The process of changing where my motivation comes from is difficult.  It was easier in some classes than others.  I've got a long way to go, and that is okay.  I have a lifetime to work towards it.

My sophomore year was rough.  But God was with me every step of the way and gave me what I needed.  What I needed wasn't always what I wanted.  There were things that were hard to accept and I am still working to accept.

This is me.  I'm messy.  I'm human.  I'm damaged.
But,
God cleans.  God heals.  God restores.

Living in Reckless Abandonment for Jesucristo,

Jo

Living

How do I define worship?  Singing words?  Praying to God?  Writing poetry?

I love words.  I love language.  Language enables me to express myself and understand others in ways that wouldn't be possible otherwise.  I couldn't write this blog without language or know how to operate a computer if I didn't know how to read.  I couldn't complain to my friends about how much homework I have to get done without words and I couldn't teach someone how to do very much without words.

But in many ways, language falls short of what I really want to express.  Perhaps my own knowledge of language is not sufficient, and if I understood it better I would be able to express myself better.  The whole purpose of language is to allow us to express ourselves in ways that wouldn't be possible otherwise.

Why then, if I find language so insufficient to express myself, do all of the typical methods of worship use only words?  Today, I want to think about worship differently.  I don't want my 'worship time' to only be at church on Sunday when I am singing praise and worship music. I don't want to just sing music while I am driving back to campus after spring break.  I want to live my life as worship.  Words are great.  I can use them to tell God that He's so fanflippingtastically amazing that I don't have words to describe it.  I can use them to tell God that I'm mad and upset and feel like my world is falling down around me and I don't understand what is going on.  I can use them to worship.  But wouldn't it be even cooler if every action I did was done in worship for Him?

Every academic and work assignment, done for His Glory.  Every dish washed, floor swept, or daily chore complete, to further His Kingdom.  Every conversation had, spent in gratitude that He created this person.  Every moment spent relaxing, spent remembering how great God is and the only true peace and rest is found in Him. Every time we repent and ask God for forgiveness, a reminder of Christ's sacrifice for us.

But Samuel replied: "Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the Lord? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams."

1 Samuel 15:22

Samuel is reprimanding Saul for not obeying God in this verse, after Saul had disobeyed and used the excuse that the commands he had not followed would enable him to make more sacrifices to God.  Samuel reminds Saul, and myself, that even if I follow the typical traditions of today to worship God, worship is much more than that.

What I cannot say, I must live.

What I have I done today to worship God?

Living in Reckless Abandonment for Jesucristo,

Jo

Enough

This morning, I woke up at 6:40 in a room with about 8 other women in it.  I .  None of them were stirring yet, as the day's activities were scheduled to begin at 8:30am.  I rolled out of bed as quietly as possible to grab my notebook and Bible and head out into the room where we had had worship together the night before.

I was at my church's women retreat, which started Friday evening and went through this morning.  I had decided to wake up well before the scheduled activities so that I could take some time and just be.  Not necessarily praying or reading, but just being.  Breathing and thinking, letting God speak if He chose or just letting my thoughts meander as they pleased.

The sun was just beginning to light the sky as I sat down with 

my Bible to spend some time with God.

The theme of the retreat was, "Enough."  We were reminded this weekend that God made us, and that He loves us.  He knows that we're flawed and he loves us through the flaws.  

As I prayed about that early this morning and reflected on it later with a small group, I realized that God made me to be imperfect, not because he wanted me to be miserable about it and beat myself up over it, but so that his strength can be seen in my weakness.  I am enough, not because I'm perfect, but because God can use my weakness for His glory.

God fulfills.  God heals.  God restores.  God pursues.  God is the only thing that will ever complete you.  

With that on my heart, I stepped outside to the frigid air.  It was not snowing,but there was a light dusting of snow in an occasional patch.  My face was almost instantly numb from the crisp air. 

 There were actually a couple of girls who I saw outside, so we trekked through the woods together, trying to decide if we were actually on a path.  We finally decided that it didn't really matter and meandered down the steep hill together.

Even in the cold, God showed us the beauty of His creation, as the sun cast some gorgeous rays on the tips of the intertwining branches as it emerged over the horizon.

 We arrived back inside and I snapped this picture of some of the paintings that were completed last night.  It was amazing to see the creativity in these women's minds and what God had placed on their hearts to paint, and how they expressed themselves.

Finally, I returned to the A-frame to watch the sun come through the trees.  Someone else sat in the loft, doing the same thing, and it was beautiful to be reminded that with the start of a new day, God told us that we were enough.  We didn't have to fulfill the expectations of parents, friends, teachers, boyfriends, or anybody else.  Not only would this be an impossible task, it would never be fulfilling to us.  God loves us, just the way we are, and He more than fulfills all of the expectations that anyone could ever have.

You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Psalm 16:11

Living in Reckless Abandonment for Jesucristo,

Jo

Freedom...

If you know me very well at all, you know that I am easily distracted.  Especially when I have an internet connection.  I don't watch T.V. shows on a regular basis, but I love watching educational YouTube videos.  Unfortunately, as fun as they are to watch, I don't always watch the most useful or applicable videos for what I am currently studying. (for example: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADD7QlQoFFI)

Because I know that I am easily distracted, I have a program on my computer that blocks me from going to certain websites.  I can set it for a period of time for a list of specific sites.  When I have it turned on and attempt to go to one of these sites, I get the following screen:

The main message doesn't tell me that I'm blocked from the site.  It tells me I'm free from the site.

It doesn't always feel like freedom when I really want to visit the site and I can't access it.  But the thing is, I could choose to type in my password and access the site.  And I also have the freedom to choose not to do so.

For many people, they see religion as a jail, or a list of rules that you have to follow.  But it really isn't about that.  Religion is about being free from sin in Christ.

For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.  What then?  Shall we sin because we are not under the law but under grace?  By no means!  Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey-whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?

Romans 6:14-16

I always have the choice of returning to the old master, sin.  But I know that it leads to death.  In Christ, I have the opportunity to follow a new master, obedience.  I get to choose to obey, not because of a list of rules hanging over my head, but because I want to follow God.  

True freedom isn't a freedom to be thoughtless and completely careless, but a freedom of choice.  I get to choose which master to serve.  Who will I serve today?

Living in Reckless Abandonment for Jesucristo,

Jo

Learning Over Winter Break

1.)  My body naturally sleeps for nine hours a night.

My parents may tell you that I sleep for nine hours a day, but you get the point.  This winter break has allowed my body to catch up on some much needed physical rest.  While sleep is never something that I have in abundance during the semester, I can hope that I will be able to make it a higher priority and get more than the fiver or six hours/night I got last semester.

2.)  I don't like to deal with my emotions.

I know that it's important to not just stuff them down.  However, there were a few times over this break where I just needed to cry and go pray.  Mental and emotional stuff that I thought I had 'worked through,' came up and I realized I wasn't as 'over it' as I had originally thought.

I have to keep giving these struggles to God, because many of them are previous hurts that I haven't truly or entirely given to Him.


3.)  Resting is good for the soul.

As mentioned before, over this break I was able to take the time to find out how much sleep my body gets when I don't interrupt it with alarms.  With the right amount of sleep I have found that my brain works much better in terms of creativity and the time I spend with God is much more meaningful and worthwhile.  (I'm not saying that I was wasting the time I spent with God when I wasn't well rested.  I'm saying that I should have been more well rested in general.  God calls us to work, but He also calls us to rest).

4.) A little bit of Russian.

We'll see if it stays in my brain and if I can continue working on the language as I keep up with college classes and my part time job.

5.)  Making arts and crafts is great way to spend my day.

I've made clay things, painted a 3'x3' canvas, created a paper tree with an x-acto knife.  All of them have been a joy to make and been wonderful to pass along to people to decorate or use in their lives.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  

Matthew 11:28-30

Lessons from a 77 Year Young Man

"Thank you, Lord, for this miserable day, because it is still one that you have made."  My grandfather said this in a prayer before a meal one day this week.  My parents and I were at his house to eat our dinner, as the icy rain in the morning had caused the power to go out for about seven and a half hours.  (My parents' house has electric heat and our stove is also electric, so we were there for supper.)

As a 77 year old veteran of the Korean War, who has been farming his entire life, my grandfather has seen his fair share of miserable days.  He has had 3 joints replaced and his hands are full of gout and arthritis but yet he still farms. He has raised 3 children and held many grandchildren.  He has shot a squirrel in my grandma's kitchen and lead many 4-H calves through the pasture with his kids and some of his grand kids.  He isn't a perfect man (he sometimes forgets to give my Grandmas Christmas or anniversary gifts), but he sure does know that he needs to be grateful for what he has.

Some people would hear what my grandfather said about God making a miserable day and say that he wasn't being grateful.  However, I think the fact that my grandfather was able and willing to state that the day had had miserable weather and still thank God for it is amazing.  You see, pretending like it had been good when it wasn't would be a lie.  Instead he acknowledged that the day had been gross, but was still thankful for the day of life that God had given him, despite the circumstances.

It's easy to be thankful for a warm house when the electricity comes back on after being off for most of the day.  It's easy to be thankful for sunshine and rain with rainbows.  It's simple to be thankful for your food.  But am I thankful for life itself?  God created me for a purpose on this Earth.  He loves me and gives me a lifetime of grace.  Am I thankful for that?

Each and every day is a gift.

This is the day the Lord has made.

We will be glad and rejoice in it.

Psalm 118:24 (NLT)