Learning on the Struggle Bus

College is designed to be a challenge.  It's meant to cause you to struggle.  If it wasn't a challenge I wouldn't grow.  If I didn't struggle, I wouldn't know how far I can push myself.  This semester, as I've attempted to balance upper-level classwork, working, and completing house requirements; I've struggled.

It's been a struggle to get enough sleep.  It's been a struggle to spend daily time with God.  It's been a struggle to get all of my homework done at my standards.  Getting to class and work and focusing is difficult on days when I've slept less than 5 hours.

But I'm almost done.  I've almost completed the semester.  I have just over two weeks until I take my last final of the semester and the semester comes to a close.  I don't know how this semester will finish academically.  Only by the grace of God will it be 100% successful academically this semester.

But no matter how it turns out, this semester hasn't been a waste.  This semester, God has taught me what it is like to live in community with others.

As I began this semester, I was living with 32  other women for the first time.  While I've lived in a large group of people before, this was different.  Instead of having people of various ages and a few families living in close quarters, this is 33 college-aged women cooperating together.

When I moved in, I did not know the majority of them.  Of the few that I did know, I did not know them well.  This was nerve-wracking for a couple of reasons. I'm introverted and cherish my alone time that allows me to recharge.  Now, I share my study space with a roommate, sleep in one room with all 33 of us, and cook and share meals with others.  Secondly, I have had the same small group of close friends since elementary school.  I prefer to have a few deep relationships over many shallow relationships.  33 people is a lot of people to know and interact with on a regular basis for me.

As the semester wore on and I struggled through everything, my roommates offered a unique support system around me.  While I had had this at previously, I had forgotten how good it was to have.  When I was exhausted and tired, they loved me and told me it would be okay.  When I was overwhelmed and stressed out, they loved me and reminded me that everything was in God's hands.  When I didn't know what was going on with my health, they loved me and prayed for healing.

Each night, before dinner we have devotions together.  When I lived by myself I could go an entire day without having a complete conversation with another person.  Now I find myself having deep conversations with people on a regular basis.

As this semester winds down, I have been well rested the past couple of weeks.  I have been able to manage my work better, and I'm healthy.  But better than all of that, I am beginning to see how important relationships are within the body of Christ.

A good friend once pointed out that ministry is relational, and I knew that the friend was right.  However, I had forgotten how to form new relationships.  Now, as this semester comes to a close, I see God gently reminding me and showing me how to form relationships.  Showing me that I am not meant to be alone in this world.  I am meant to support others and be supported by others.

This process has just begun, but I'm excited to see where God is taking me.

How good and pleasant it is when God's people live together in unity! 

Psalm 133:1

Living in Reckless Abandonment for Jesucristo,

Jo

Receiving Blessings

In the past 7 years, I have moved 9 times.  (To Mexico for two years, To my grandma's house for a few weeks, To my aunt's house for a few months, To a house my parents owned for a couple of years, To a college dorm, To a house for the summer, To an apartment for a school year, To a house for the summer, And now to the house I will reside in for this school year).  Moving can be a bit of a headache.  Packing, cleaning, lifting, carrying, unpacking, reorganizing, and getting into a new routine can be a challenge.

All of this said, I have learned to enjoy moving.  Moving gives me the chance to go through my things and ask myself if I really need to keep it.  It gives me a very tangible reminder that nothing on this earth is truly permanent.  Moving reminds me that my home isn't anywhere on this Earth, and that I will only truly be home when I'm with Jesus in heaven.

Moving also allows me to experience new things.  Things like a new language, a new community, a new culture, cooking for myself, cooking for others, meeting new people, or finding a new church.

Moving has meant that I have to remove some things from my life in order to experience the new things that are coming into my life.  I have had to get rid of physical items or leave a community of people that I've loved.

Much of life is about changing and growing through the changes.  Much like the changes that I've experienced in my moves, in order to fully experience the growth through the change, I have to be willing to allow God to take what I may perceive as good so that I can experience the new blessings.  I loved living in an apartment by myself during my sophomore year of college, but without leaving that cozy comfort zone, I would not have the opportunity to live with 32 other women who are doing their best to live Christ-centered lives.

While in the nursery at my church today, I witnessed a child holding onto one toy while attempting to play with another.  He was making twice as many trips to pick up and move toys because he couldn't use both hands.  This lead to an inability to fully enjoy the new toy, because he wasn't dropping the old one.  In life, I find myself struggling like this child.  I want to embrace God's blessings, but I don't want to let go of what I think is already good enough.

As I grow and experience change, I need to be open to discover where God is pointing me each and every moment.  I should be letting God weed the things out of my life that are preventing me from enjoying his true blessings for my life.  I need to remember that his wisdom is much more profound than my own.  As I struggle to hold onto one toy, I am not able to fully embrace the blessing that he is trying to give me.  I must be willing to have Him put something better into both of my hands, even if that means Him removing something else from my childish hands.

Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.  But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3: 13-14

Living in Reckless Abandonment for Jesucristo,

Jo

A Lesson from a Picnic Table

At the beginning of this summer I moved into a house that I would live in for a few months while working in an office on Purdue's campus.  While I enjoy my job, I quickly become tired of spending all day in the windowless rooms at work, so I try to spend as much time as possible outside when I am not at work.

The house I am living in has a little backyard and a picnic table where I spend a portion of my time reading and writing.  However, the picnic table had paint that was peeling off in large pieces at the beginning of the summer.  Each time I sat at the picnic table I wondered if I should do something to improve the table, but I continuously told myself that I didn't need to.  I am only living here for a few months and it seemed silly to invest the time, energy, and money into buying the supplies, stripping the paint, and redoing the table.

I eventually resolved to take on the project, as I wanted to enjoy the table more when I was outside.  I spoke to someone who lived in the house on a more normal basis to get permission and then began the process of peeling, chipping, and sanding the surface of the table.

I spent many hours working through this project.  As I sat outside each night removing as much paint as possible so that a new coat of stain would be able to soak in and protect the table, I wondered if this project was really worth the effort.  It seemed like the summer would be nearly half over by the time I finished.

The picnic table in progress as I chipped, scraped, sanded, and brushed the paint bits off.

 Eventually I realized that it really shouldn't matter to me how long I was going to be able to use the table.  I cannot base my decisions of what to do based on the duration of time I will have it in this world.  Everything in this world is going to be temporary, no matter how nice it looks or how great the quality is.  As a college student, much of my life is temporary: the longest I maintain a particular schedule is 16 weeks and I have not lived in one place for more than 9 months in the past 2 years.

It would be really easy to ignore my roommates' existence for a few months.  It would be easy to decide that it doesn't make sense to grow close to them, since I won't be living with most of them for very long and probably won't see them very often once the summer is over.  It would be very easy to only focus on academics during the school year, because that feels more permanent than people or other activities.  It would be easy to drop club activities, as I could work on other things besides being in meetings for a few hours each week.

But as I worked on the picnic table, I remembered that everything in this world is temporary.   Working on this table enabled me to realize that I can learn eternal lessons from temporary things in the world.  If I hadn't stained the table, I would have never learned that gloves really are a necessity when using chemical paint stripper.  If I hadn't interacted with my roommates, I would not have experienced spontaneous movie nights full of laughter and confusion, gone star-gazing to see Mars early in the summer, or eaten as much delicious homemade food.

Everything in this world is going to fade away.  Whether this happens in a few months or over the course of many years, I want to remember that what really matters is growing, learning, and experiencing God's presence as much as possible.  Even though everything in this world is temporary, I can still learn eternal lessons from it.  I can live in the temporary and build treasures in the permanent.

The fresh stain after a rainstorm a few weeks ago

I stained the table, and now I don't have to worry about getting pieces of paint on my computer as I write blogs or type poetry.  At the end of the summer, when I move out, I will no longer be able to sit in this quiet backyard and watch the squirrels play in the trees or read novels.  But I learned a lesson from my temporary project.  I am learning lessons through the temporary relationships I have with my roommates.  The new tenants of the house will be able to enjoy a nicer table and I'll be able to share what I have learned with new roommates and acquaintances as I continue into my third year at Purdue.  

While everything is temporary, it is not useless if it is done with the focus and glory directed to God. 

Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the duty of all mankind.

Ecclesiastes 12:12

But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.

Matthew 6:20

Living in Reckless Abandonment for Jesucristo,

Jo

A Summer Contemplation

This summer I have been attending a Bible study with my church here in West Lafayette.  The past couple of weeks we have spent time individually in prayer after the lesson, rather than breaking into small groups.  I have found this time to be invaluable.  While I do try to take time to be in silence with God all year round, the academic year can quickly become overwhelming and rushed, causing my devotional time to become a 5 minute Bible reading with a brief breath prayer before crashing into bed for a few hours in anticipation of an early morning class the next day.  Taking my own time to be with God this summer and this time at Bible study have been great reminders of how important this time is for me.

Something that I've been thinking about for the past couple of months was also touched on in Bible study this Thursday.

I've lived a very large portion of my life like a long checklist to be a 'good' Christian.

Go to church every Sunday: Check.
Go on a mission trip over a school break: Check.
Read the Bible each day: Check.
Volunteer regularly: Check.
Love others: Check.
Tell people you'll pray for them with a reassuring pat on the back: Check.
Participate in a community group: Check.

The more time I spend each day with God, the more I am able to embrace the idea that this has to be about following God with my whole heart and not about dragging my feet to complete the little boxes next to my checklist to be a good churchy girl.  While this is something that I've known for a very long time, this is something that I struggle to live out.  I like checklists and rules.  I have always been pretty good at following them.  They make sense to me.

But when I look at the truth written in the Bible, my salvation doesn't depend on me.  No matter how many of the little check boxes I complete, I will not go to heaven without the grace and forgiveness of God through the blood of Jesus.  Nothing that I do will change that.

Jesus loves me in my brokenness, not because of anything I've done but because of his grace.  I go to church not because I need to follow a sequence of rules but because I have a God given desire to worship God and be in his presence.  The Christian fellowship I experience at church and in a community group gives me an opportunity to experience relationship---an integral part of ministry.  Volunteering allows me to spread the love of Jesus, not because it's something that I'm supposed to do, but because I should be so filled with excitement and joy about Jesus' love that I CAN'T contain it.  I should read the Bible not because it's an obligation, but because I'm hungry to grow and learn about God in new ways.  I should pray for others because it is an act of Christ's love for them.

My life can't be a list of rules or a checklist of things to do.  It must be more than that.  And with God's grace and the guidance of the God-loving people that surround me, that is what my life is becoming.

Living in Reckless Abandonment for Jesucristo,

Jo

Depthless

Red brick
Thick paint
Colossal buildings
Scuffed floors
Gummy tables
Loud people
Women with makeup
And men in ties
Hurting and broken
With smiles
Damaged and torn
New construction
New brick
New paint
Soon to decay
But don't forget to smile

This poem was written in early April.  I have been writing more poetry lately, most of which is a way to process my thoughts.  Most are mediocre but this one felt like it was worth sharing today. 

Let Me Be Honest

My sophomore year of college was rough.  I had some things thrown at me that I wish hadn't happened at all.  I made a lot of mistakes.  And I acted in an immature way and didn't handle my emotions well through processing a lot of it.  I wish I could say that I grieve death well or that I didn't blame myself for the actions of others, but the truth is that I did.  I do.  And so I didn't blog very much during that time.  I didn't want to write out of raw emotions or simply as a reaction to the things go on around me.

It felt weird to let myself stop writing my weekly blogs at first.  I don't want to pretend that everything in my life is great and perfect, and part of me felt that not publishing what was happening was a lie.  But I wanted to write about the bad things when I was able to step back and look at the whole picture.

Today I'm writing this with raw fingers after failing to get all of the paint off of a picnic table with chemical paint stripper.  And there are still raw emotions here, because I am a human being, and being emotional does not need to be a bad thing.

Last summer I broke up with my boyfriend after returning from my trip to Mexico.  Throughout the year and a half long relationship I had had with him, I had experienced a lack of sureness.  While in Mexico, I experienced vivid clarity and I knew that I needed to end the relationship.  However, the aftermath of the breakup is not what I had hoped it would be.  There were many emotional messages sent to each other.  I blamed myself for the way he was feeling and spent a lot of time beating myself up about it.  I told myself that I was worthless and that I should never be in a romantic relationship again.  To some degree I isolated myself from the other friendships that I had.  It wasn't a healthy way of dealing with any of this.  I spent an abundance of time wallowing in self-pity about the failed relationship and struggled to focus in class or while doing homework as I reflected on what I could have done differently so that I hadn't hurt him and told myself that I was stupid.  A lot of what I did was foolish.  But if I ceaselessly dwell on them, I can't learn from them.  Part of the learning process is letting go.  

During the fall semester I also realized that I was not enjoying what I was studying.  I was a Biology major with minors in Spanish and Math.  I was enjoying the classes in my minors, but not in my major.  I was not processing emotions well, grieving the death of my aunt, blaming myself for the feelings of others, trying to volunteer, and work a part time job.  My grades dropped.  I had always earned very good grades.  My grades were always something that I could take pride in.  And so, I also realized that I had been defining myself through them.  While I could say, 'I work hard in school because I'm working for God, and not for men,' that would not have been the truth.  The truth is that I had previously worked hard in school because I wanted good grades to fulfill me.  I wanted to see a neat line of A's on my transcript at the end of each semester, not for God's glory, but for my own satisfaction.  And in the fall semester, I didn't earn the grades that I so desperately wanted.  I found myself unsatisfied by something that had had never let me down before.  Despite the fact that I have always known that true fulfillment will only come from God, I had not been living that out in my life.  This was extremely evident to me.

My spring semester was much smoother.  I changed my major.  I'm now studying Math Education with a Spanish minor.  I didn't maintain friendships with anyone from the Biology department.  That was difficult, but with the end of those relationships, I am given time to forge new more meaningful relationships that are founded on more than just taking the same classes and thus have the potential to last beyond college.

After the failure to achieve high levels academically during the fall semester, I struggled to regain my focus.  I wanted to find my motivation to study by seeing it as an act of worship.  I wanted to really study for God's glory and see it as something to be done for Him.  This was difficult for me, but I knew that I could not allow grades to be seen as a form of fulfillment any longer.  The process of changing where my motivation comes from is difficult.  It was easier in some classes than others.  I've got a long way to go, and that is okay.  I have a lifetime to work towards it.

My sophomore year was rough.  But God was with me every step of the way and gave me what I needed.  What I needed wasn't always what I wanted.  There were things that were hard to accept and I am still working to accept.

This is me.  I'm messy.  I'm human.  I'm damaged.
But,
God cleans.  God heals.  God restores.

Living in Reckless Abandonment for Jesucristo,

Jo

Living

How do I define worship?  Singing words?  Praying to God?  Writing poetry?

I love words.  I love language.  Language enables me to express myself and understand others in ways that wouldn't be possible otherwise.  I couldn't write this blog without language or know how to operate a computer if I didn't know how to read.  I couldn't complain to my friends about how much homework I have to get done without words and I couldn't teach someone how to do very much without words.

But in many ways, language falls short of what I really want to express.  Perhaps my own knowledge of language is not sufficient, and if I understood it better I would be able to express myself better.  The whole purpose of language is to allow us to express ourselves in ways that wouldn't be possible otherwise.

Why then, if I find language so insufficient to express myself, do all of the typical methods of worship use only words?  Today, I want to think about worship differently.  I don't want my 'worship time' to only be at church on Sunday when I am singing praise and worship music. I don't want to just sing music while I am driving back to campus after spring break.  I want to live my life as worship.  Words are great.  I can use them to tell God that He's so fanflippingtastically amazing that I don't have words to describe it.  I can use them to tell God that I'm mad and upset and feel like my world is falling down around me and I don't understand what is going on.  I can use them to worship.  But wouldn't it be even cooler if every action I did was done in worship for Him?

Every academic and work assignment, done for His Glory.  Every dish washed, floor swept, or daily chore complete, to further His Kingdom.  Every conversation had, spent in gratitude that He created this person.  Every moment spent relaxing, spent remembering how great God is and the only true peace and rest is found in Him. Every time we repent and ask God for forgiveness, a reminder of Christ's sacrifice for us.

But Samuel replied: "Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the Lord? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams."

1 Samuel 15:22

Samuel is reprimanding Saul for not obeying God in this verse, after Saul had disobeyed and used the excuse that the commands he had not followed would enable him to make more sacrifices to God.  Samuel reminds Saul, and myself, that even if I follow the typical traditions of today to worship God, worship is much more than that.

What I cannot say, I must live.

What I have I done today to worship God?

Living in Reckless Abandonment for Jesucristo,

Jo